Elese Coit
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Underestimating yourself?

11/13/2013

 
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Do you underestimate yourself?  It's kinda sneaky how that happens.

We underestimate ourselves when we accept limitations and don't notice. Our assumptions go invisible on us. They stop looking like assumptions and simply look like the truth. We then act accordingly.

Personally I know that I have at times hugely underestimated myself. I only saw how invisible this was when kind friends pointed it out to me. But it's not easy to hear. Ever witnessed someone defending their limitations? Maybe you even tried to talk them out of it when they asserted they aren't "the kind of person who..." or "tried but can't..."  

I don't have any trouble calling to mind someone I know who can't quite see for themselves just how attractive, strong, capable, loving or giving they are.  

A quote attributed to Henry Ford is

Whether you think you can
or whether you think you can't
either way
you are right
A nice way of saying we LIVE what we think and we do not realize that we are the thinker. This is why we become blind to our constructs, assume whatever we think is true and why we hate being challenged about it.  

The whole package that makes up what I call "myself" is only a mystery to one person: Me. And it's amazing how wrong we can be about our own base assumptions of who we are. 

Underestimating yourself always arises from who you assume you are.

The question "who am I?" deserves more airplay than we give it. Not only are we not entertaining the question, we seem to be moving away from contemplative traditions in which these kinds of questions mattered. We no longer engage in pure inquiry. Are we so intolerant of mystery that we would rather be wrong than not know something.

The price we pay for this is to be overly-engaged in our assumptions. And from the assumption that there is something fundamentally limited about us arises the desire to improve who we are. 

Why improve who you think you are when you can simply look to see who you really are "before" the personality arrived that you call YOU. 

"Who am I" or better said, "What is I?"  are invitations to peek underneath the construct of ourselves, beyond the false self that we made up and just see. What came before the thoughts of "I."

I have come to appreciate these contemplations, and to enjoy following where they lead. 

Are you the limited person you think you are?  What if you are not?

This self I call me seems nothing more than a bouquet of thoughts, rather than facts. I call them me, but really they are air. They are concepts -- ideas that have nothing to do with who I am or what I am capable of  -- if I weren't so interested in what I think about myself.

It's Not Your Personality We Love

4/2/2013

 
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We are all wearing masks. I'm not talking about the professional mask you put on to go to work, I'm talking about the mask you call YOU.  

It's the shell you've wrapped round your authentic, natural self.  Let's call it your "personality." I've had one for years and I don't know how I couldn't have one.  What gets tricky is when I think that me and my personality are the same thing.  

It is a bit like putting on a mask and then forgetting about it.  There's this weird uncomfortable feeling, but you can't put your finger on why...

If you have an uber-competent personality it may look like that serves you well. I thought mine did. And yet I had to face some inevitable facts:
  1. The personality is not you.
  2. The personality is actually the biggest barrier to knowing you.
  3. The personality is not what people really appreciate about you.

All the time spent evaluating ourselves, measuring and comparing, has never been put on pause long enough to consider the deeper question that lies behind it.  Unless we do, we may look in the mirror many times a day and the greatest mystery on the planet remains the face staring back.

I rarely reflected on the question, "Who am I underneath who I think I am?"  I could tell you who I thought I should be. I could tell you who I was trying to become or how I was doing in relation to so-and-so. But me? On a deeper level?  Very blurry. 

I just assumed that I was my personality. I tried to make this personality of mine better and "special." I tried to make "me" into someone I would like. ( Remember "love yourself"? ... I did not succeed).  We construct a version of a person that our own constricted minds are thinking of and within those parameters, of course it's going to be an imitation version. Roll on the self-improvement ...

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"Mi, a name I call myself..."

As I began to ponder "what is me?" I began to notice that the personality I had became used to referring to as "me" was entirely composed of -- just things I think about myself. There was a the tableau of traits and characteristics that I called myself, but these were no more than a bunch of thoughts I'd had. They just happened to be about something I call me.

I had made myself up out of nothing. Out of thought.

Other people did not necessarily share the view of who I thought I was and so I also incorporated their opinions into my own thinking about me.

I remember first getting a glimpse of the depth of this as I came to know Robert Holden (listen to my radio show with him) who called the ego "the sum total of all the smallest ideas you've ever had about yourself." 

It hit me that I really had constructed me. And I was terribly small.  It began to dawn that, since the personality was a construct in itself, it could never find the answer to Me. The answer was beyond the content of my own thinking.

I look out through two eyes from something I call my body.  I think the limits of my body are "me." I pass or fail a test, I think the results tell "me" something "I" am suited for or not suited for.  I get divorced and I think this means something about "me."   Thoughts. All just thoughts.  

We minimize our capacities -- based on opinions that just float past -- and yet talk about them as facts and live the limitations as truth.  

I was reminded of this recently when I had a client here in San Diego for a 3-day retreat and I related how people walk up to me when I am on my skates and just blurt out, "I could never do that!" The truth is, they can't possibly know that. They don't have the slightest idea. But this does not stop people from deciding precisely what they will or will not believe about themselves.

When you realize that what you think you are made of is nothing more than a jumble of ideas, maybe it's time to start asking "What is beneath what I think I am?"

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"Everyone in this world shares
the same innate source of
wisdom, but it is hidden by the
tangle of our own misguided
personal thoughts"



- Sydney Banks
The Missing Link


Related Posts...
  • To Build Clientele, Meet Yourself First
  • Mirror, Mirror, Why don't I love me?
  • You Are More Than You Think

To Build Your Clientele, Meet Yourself

9/13/2012

 
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A friend asked me how our new mangement consulting business will attract clients.

I sat back and thought, "How do I know that we are supposed to "attract" anyone at all?" 

For those like my friend who find business building and marketing exhausting, there is a spiritual school of thought that says, "It's OK. Stop trying and start attracting. You are a spiritual being and the law of attraction will have your clients find you." Well, yes, we all are more than just our bodies. Talk to anyone who has had a near death experience, like Anita Moorjani (video below).  But you can't unplug your personal plan and just plug in a new spiritual marketing plan.  I am not seeing this working for people.  And I'll get to what's missing in a moment.

Whether my techniques are old-school marketing and cold calling or new-school "attracting" it seems to me, the problem is: I am still working on the level of myself, Elese the human being using techniques to the best of her ability. It's as if we say, " I have tried marketing techniques, social media techniques, affiliate techniques, now I'll go for spiritual techniques."

We cannot substitute personal effort with spiritual effort.

In fact, I'm not sure there is any such thing as spiritual effort.  What do I mean by this?

I mean, I don't think we MAKE ourselves spiritual, and I don't think we have any role in making spirituality work on a personal level -- anymore than we make electricity work. 

To use "attracting" as your sales plan is just another technique, no different from traditional marketing, it doesn't work unless what is behind it is authentic. So if you are a coach, or a human services provider...

I believe you can't substitute any technique, spiritual or otherwise, for improving the base quality of your work. And the quality of your work is related to the depth of your own view of who you are and how you function.

Think of a magnet. A magnet does nothing to attract.  When the right metallic components are in range, the polarity takes care of itself. I think we love the idea that we make ourselves into great magnets through our work and then people just get attracted. No. You don't make your polarity. You ARE the polarity because of your nature.  Should you just stand there and radiate? Will they come?  Maybe. 

Or are you thinking that your job is to increase your polarity?  Well, it's not.  You job is to dance your dance.  You don't even need to go deeper in anything unless it is useful to you to not only be who you are but to have awareness of who you are. But, you are already who you are. You are already the base metal and so is everyone else.  Without your concept of who you are and your ideas about who you are, you would just simply be you.

So who am I and who do I think I am. Am I thinking of myself as someone who needs to attract clients?  Where are all the areas I tend to forget who I am and become afraid and insecure? What's underneath my insecure thinking?

When was the last time you really reflected on: Who Are You?

From who you think you are flows everything that you do to make yourself happy, everything you think you need or is missing, all your problems and all your concerns.  You are doing everything in your life right now based on your best guess about who you are.

I was raised in a Christian Science family and I was told from the earliest of ages, "you are not your body."  I never believed this, even after spending the first 18 years of my life dedicated to this metaphysical study.  So I do not expect that anyone, not you, not me, should take anyone's word for who you are.  Belief should not come into it. You cannot sit solidly on a belief. But inquiry can get us beyond who we think we are.

We are too quick to accept everything we think as a true and accurate picture of life and of ourselves.  We speak far too easily about ideas like "Law of Attraction," "ego" and "spiritual self" and have not taken enough time to investigate these beyond the level of concepts and pop culture.

Everything we do as humans is an attempt to remedy a life that is the direct result of accepting whatever crazy things we think and living them as true.

Most people I know (including me!) suffer at some point from some form of dwarfed or warped self-image. Most people simply try to apply this idea of "attraction" using their self-image. This image is made up of what we think of ourselves, but what is underneath it is actually what is most attractive about us.
 
At some point, if you are a coach and you are growing your business of service to others, the investigation into who is "Me" is a necessary investigation that has taken my clients and will take you through to the next level.

Forget attracting. Get to know yourself.

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