I was talking with Guy Finley on the show on November 6th about how useless and destructive fear is.

Afterward I got asked, 'Isn't fear is a 'good thing'?   Don't we need fear to motivate ourselves?

Do you G-up with Fear so you can get out the door to work?  Do you remind yourself how afraid you will be to go out in public so you'll get on that diet and stick to it?

Kirstey Ally's fear of being seen in a bikini in public didn't keep her on a diet, (she announced on Oprah she'd lose weight and then come back in her bikini the next show).   I don't dispute that if enough fear is applied to us we can be forced to do things that we don't want to do.   We can be forced at gunpoint to rob a bank, for example. But, what kind of life would that add up to, and by the same token, have you noticed that the effects wear off really quickly?  (yeah, Kirsty did too).  A sense of total and present danger can't possibly be what keeps us going for 10, 20 or 30 years? And if it does, wow.  Knowing what we know about fear and stress... the health impact alone is mind-boggling, not to mention the potential for increased addiction and just living in the misery of scaring ourselves to death in this way.

The fact is, when we want to do something we don't need fear as a tool to be able to do it.  Really.

You don't need fear of how people will see you, to get healthy and want to look good.
You don't need to use your fear of losing everything to get up and go to work each day.

Which coach makes you want to play a better game - the one who makes you love the game no matter how you play, or the one who tortures you by telling you that you will never win if you don't practice?

Of course, the truly sad part is I don't  need society or my sports coach to make me afraid because apparently I'm willing to scare myself - all based on the idea that fear motivates.   How is it we haven't noticed yet that it doesn't?  I notice that no matter how much punishment is applied, people still commit crimes. The 3 strikes rules and the death penalty, don't make people behave.

We 'behave' well and live up to our own expectations when we are feeling well in ourselves.  Not when we are afraid. Using fear to become something we hope to be is like powering down the mainframe and hoping all the programs will still run properly.

The internal compass of a healthily functioning individual doesn't need constant punitive threat to hold its own direction.  According to George Pransky in Rennaissaince of Psychology, "People who do not know of the existence, reliability and accessibility of the conscience built into healthy physchological functioning try to substitute memorized values and ethics. These values and ethics, because they are imposed from the outside, need to be reinforced by  punishments and rewards."

So basically, we might need to use fear of punishment to motivate ourselves, the more we are living life for someone's approval other than our own.   Pransky goes on to assert that our natural conscience is the built-in guidance system meant to direct our lives and it works very well indeed. When I think of conscience as a guidance system and not an adopted set of morals that are based on punishment and reward, I just heave a sigh of relief for us all. And I want to add to this, if we lived by this conscience, and followed that inner compass more often, the world might seem more of a habitat of brothers.

When you think you are alone and surviving by the approval of others, maybe you do need fear just to rule your own behaviors.

When you are satisfied with you, and your life, you need little more than the still small voice inside in order to do the best thing possible for the rest of the whole planet: be genuinely you.

The world needs more people like you.  

These months have been jammed with growth and leaps of faith.  No sooner did I toot my radio show's first year anniversary whistle, then I found myself saying Yes to starting a second show.   An act of fearlessness, for sure, since on Friday's show I speak with guests and it's all very fireside chat ... whereas Wednesday, the new show is just me.

                             Gulp.       It's an interesting thing, a leap of faith. 

Interesting, because of the both the 'faith' part, and the 'leap' part.  When you really, really decide to no longer consent to a life half lived, full of compromises, and stuff you don't want to do, then there is an immediate recognition that wherever that  that leads, the one thing it won't be is - familiar! Yet, still there's the shock of the leap. Must be like when you drop out of a plane on a skydive. (Minus the G-force that makes your face look all funny).  You know you decided to be there, and you want to be, but there's that split second of total terror.

Thinking about jumping out of a plane seems a lot tougher than opening my mouth live on air, but it's my leap and I jumped....  That in itself has given me a new perspective on the 'faith' part too.  I have to say, I've not so much 'faith' as a better attitude.  I realize that I simply accept that it could simply not work out, not be fun, or good, or interesting to others. For some reason, that doesn't bother or worry me. (though I'm aware of the idea that I could make all of those things devastating potential outcomes - ergo - reasons to shrink back from the ledge).    What most fascinates me is that I see all those scenarios as potentials and I am OK with them all. I mean what can I do?  All I can do is, as Anthony de Mello says, "show up and dance my dance". 

The thing about a leap, is you do end up in the unknown... and that could be a place of massive failure, but it could also be the most satisfying pit stop of my life. 

I just can't know unless I leap.

*

Oh,  the last newsy bit is that I wanted to try to find a way to display radio archives so they are searchable by keyword.  Just felt people might want to look up what's important to them by topic and find resources...please bear with me as I am still getting all the shows archived but again... Fingers crossed. x

I'm sure there's an answer to this question, but when did all this madness begin? Not the madness of the economy, or the madness of the markets ... but the madness of not thinking for ourselves anymore? The madness of thinking that what we think has no impact.

I've blogged on a similar topic before, about the things that come out of our mouths when they are left unattended.  Shocking.  The automatic unkindnesses, the unthinking gossip - as if we just tossed out one more teeny tiny toxic and non-biodegradable plastic bottle onto a very, very large ocean of humanity. Like it doesn't matter because it's just the one.  After all, how will the girl walking by EVER know you made fun of her hair, or compared her ass unfavorably....

I am not sure we can dissassociate what we are saying from the impact it has on the speaker.  Yes, the words leave the lips, but the feelings linger and the only one experiencing the effects is us.  Ever feel bad after cutting someone down or saying the mean thing just to be clever?

And that is just what we are willing to say other people!  Our inner talk is far less sensored and just as, if not more, damaging.  Our self- talk, or mirror talk... "I'm so fat" "I'm idiot" "I'm a pig" etc., etc., 

We are  hard on ourselves. We are hard on other people.  No one ever gets a break.  No wonder we need motivational speakers to  G-ourselves up with  'you can do it!' rhetoric.   It is like some insane cartoon routine, I smack you on the head with the hammer and then take back the hammer so I can smack myself or make sure I'm standing in the way when you smack you.

There's no reason why we can't take a moment to question the things we say and the things we think before we release them like toxic gases.  After all, we all know that poisoning the planet is the same thing as poisoning ourselves. 

It doesn't seem that far of a stretch that maybe, just maybe, it's one emotional ecosystem too? 

With all of us connected, what makes us think we'll escape the long terms effects of our own words after we are gone?   The same little voice that tells us it doesn't matter if you toss that gum wrapper on the ground?

If you feel affected by this post, give someone the gift of seeing that you and they are the same and treat 'yourself' to some loving kindness. Do it for me.

"Even better than the real thing" - U2

Looking out over the glistening ocean on a full moon night  when everything is clear and all you can see is miles of sky and little dots of light everywhere, set to the music of the ocean rolling against the shore...  a moment of perfection.  When I am aware of nothing except that breathing is happening and there is a sense of something larger than myself. Nothing is wrong or right.  Nothing needs changing or fixing.

So I had a strong reaction when I heard, "Yeah, did you see the moon last night, it was like a Disney movie."

It was like a Disney movie?

So apparently, I did not realize this, but Disney has this incredible capacity to take a natural phenomenon and make it 'even better'.  Enhancing the moonlight to even greater moonlit-ness.  The ability to make shimmering more shimmery. 

I am saddened by this.  Saddened that Disney is a standard bearer for what is beautiful in life, but more, I'm saddened at what it drains from us as human beings that that the natural beauty of the world somehow doesn't quite hold up to its celluloid enhanced counterpart.  It's just simply better if there are lots and lots and lots of shimmers. The way we look outside and see it, with maybe not so many shimmers, that is just a poor substitute.

Isn't this what we currently suffer from? Rampant not-good-enough-ness.  Oh, it's  good, but it can be made better.  Our bodies are good, but they could be better: a nip here, some weight loss, a bit of molding and shaping.  I remember overhearing a mother talking to her daughter about a nose job "But honey," she said, "If you know you can make it prettier, why wouldn't you?"  So, let's see... I'm fine as I am and I have everything I need but, oh I almost forgot... I could be better.   Even in self-development, the never-enough-ness is rampant too.  I know, I do it.  And I suffer because of it.

In our striving to improve, we become not only less content, but less able to see the real beauty of what is before us.  The beauty in ourselves and in others.  In fact we come to think that we can't just be us at all.   We need to be better than us. We need a bit of air-brushing.

Well maybe Disney could make us all look "Better than the real thing" but I hope not.  The real thing is just fine by me.  Warts and all.

Henry Grayson's MUST-READ book, 'Mindful Loving

I hope you enjoy practicing the couple of tools to arrest some of our negative thinking before it takes us on the direct expressway to Overwhelm.

Extracted from 'Mindful Loving', the 5-Step Thought Monitoring Process we talked about on the show November 4, 2009 is as follows:

"1. Upon feeling a loss of inner peace, ask yourself, 'What was I just thinking?'
2. 'There is one fo those disturbing ego thoughts.'
3.  'If I focus on this thought it will surely increase. Do I want this thing I'm thinking to increase? No Way1'
4. 'I banish that thought'
5. Quickly state your affirmation one or several times. "

for more about this process see Dr. Grayson's book and his site http://www.henrygrayson.com/

While you are there watch the video where he teaches how to open New Neuro Pathways!!

I'm still in testing for the new site so this blog is not quite up and running yet... please visit www.newmindsetcoaching.com if you haven't found what you wanted.  Or let me know if I can help!  Sorry for the wait.

Club Fearless is a great place to find resources that will help you pack your bags and move out of that down in the dumps-victim mentality once and for all!

Here are some free audios from Steve Chandler, founder of the Club.

To learn more about Club Fearless go to www.clubfearless.net.  You can use my friend's discount (type in 'Elese' as the code) and try out the club for free for 30 days.  And by the way, I don't get paid for this, I just think it's really, really good.