Well Within, Elese's Blog

Lessons From (near) Death

7/10/2012

I've spent the last two days in hospital at the bedside of a friend, while he recovered from his own death.

I was recovering from his death as well, as it happened in my dining room. He was chewing gum and singing one minute. Barely breathing the next.

My neighbor and I did our best to keep him alive while the ambulance angels arrived, thronged into my living room and whisked the grey-faced body to hospital as quickly and calmly as only they can. You've never seen people moving so fast take things so slowly!

Two days later in the Intensive Care, he was musing on being lucky to be alive.
"Good thing there's no brain damage," he said, barely able to speak after the tubes and lines were removed that had kept him alive for a day.
"I'll be the judge of that," I quipped.
We laughed.
The recovery had begun.

His journey to recovery will be whatever that turns out to be: the body healing, the mind recovering full equilibrium, and who knows what else may come to him.

For me, I can already tell you two odd things have shifted. Both point to something bigger.

Everything I've eaten today tastes sweet. Water tastes sweet. Soup tastes sweet. My mouth tastes fresh. Odd. Not unpleasant, but odd.

I also walked into my closet and realized I could be rid of half my clothes. No problem.

Only days before I was on a mission to clear out anything I don't wear. As all girls will know, there is always a moment of truth to be had when you are deciding to "throw" or "not to throw."

I was having some trouble letting go of a few pieces that, although I hardly wear, cost me more than I'd like to admit. I was hesitating and stammering and frankly, attached. I think I felt a bit foolish getting rid of them. I felt even more foolish standing there now looking at what only days before had seemed so important. The "I might need this one day!" attitude had left me. I had no desire to see these things hanging on the rail for another year.

The logic that keeps closets all over the world filled to bursting, is a curious one. I've talked about it in my book in the chapter on Wants, Desires and Addictions and how "so much of our wanting is fused with our self-esteem and personal identities." As happens so often, I come back to my own words. "Once we know how long we have to live, our desire to experience life intensifies."

These things I have do not constitute Life. Life can only be experienced. It cannot be owned.

As I returned from hospital today to my closet I couldn't imagine that only 48 hours before I felt so attached to pieces of clothing. I knew I would easily let go of this and more. In my mind's eye, I saw my closet full of things I love to wear, not things I can't bear to throw out.

It is very strange all the little ways I learn about myself.

As I considered all the things that would now be leaving my home forever, I felt an intense desire to get back to my own life's work.

With or Against The Flow of Life?

4/12/2012

There is nothing to practice. To know yourself, be yourself. To be yourself, stop imagining yourself to be this or that. Just be. Let your true nature emerge.
Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Have you ever watched a pelican dive? It will circle high above the ocean and then make a gliding turn for an accelerated downward dive, landing with a huge spray of water.

Today as I watched the pelicans dive it struck me how they never miss their water entry. It is always a perfectly executed turn, drop and splash. I've never once seen a pelican "blow it" landing in a belly flop or forgetting to pull it's wings in before hitting the wall of water. The beach is noticeably not littered with pelicans with broken wings and head injuries. Although anyone who has ever miscalculated a dive into a pool knows, missing your water entry is painful and can be fatal.

In the pelican world today, thousands of birds will make perfect entries and bob back to the surface unharmed.

Yet, unlike humans, the pelican has not practiced 10,000 hours until they reached mastery in order to accomplish this complex set of maneuvers. They didn't study, take exams or get diving certificates. They just know. They just dive. They pull their wings into the perfect formation at the perfect moment because it is what they are born to do.

Out of the egg, straight to the natural self.

Every creature on earth is the same in this respect.

So what about us human beings?

We humans are a part of the same natural world. Do we not also have a natural self that is perfectly made to do what it is made to do? I wonder why it doesn't seem that way to us ...

What is the natural (magnificent) self of a human being?

Why do I experience life as if I am motoring under my own steam, a separate entity making its way through life on willpower and acquisition instead of an integral flowing part of the natural universe, clinging to nothing?

"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin" (Matthew)

Why doesn't it seem like that for us?

Why don't I experience natural me in the flow of life without the struggle?

Shouldn't all beings have the same endowments -- the ability to be perfect in relation to their surroundings without needing a PhD to do so?

Two Myths:
Life stops if we withdraw personal effort, attention and control.
Without effort nothing happens.

We believe that we are the actors, movers and shakers of each minute of our lives. We also seem to think that we took our foot off the pedal, released the grip on the steering wheel and let go of making life happen -- our lives would slow down to an unbearable snail's pace. We think we would deflate as if we were punctured balloons.

But are we really making life happen?

Many times I've had people tell me that their greatest fear is that if they become too happy or too content, they will no longer want to do anything. Really? Without the push to achieve, to get and to do you'd would just turn into a marshmallow and stop going to work? Some think they will turn into a slug within a month or perhaps just eat and eat and eat until they explode.

Two Truths:
In the natural world no animal ever eats itself to death.
No animal thinks it needs to be worthy.

No purpose, no goals and no savings -- will he be OK?

It is interesting to consider just how much life is in motion and how much we are part of it. Despite what we may think.

Look how during your life you've often been lifted along for the ride. I question that any of us has the kind of control that our daily choices and actions imply.

When a parent tells a child to get an education there are assumptions about how education paves the way for a better life. What I noticed in my life is that although I quit university and was a chef for most of my 20s while I traveled and wrote poetry -- I went back to school and then completed my bachelor's and an M.A. in less than 4 years. Because I had learned 3 languages in the process I then became a Conference Interpreter at the European Parliament. My life was unfolding perfectly for me. I didn't make or plan any of it. I was along for the ride.

In fact I've been along for the ride for every major life event I can think of, including the birth of my daughter.

When we are sick, the body knows how to heal. When we are unsure or can't make a decision, life doesn't throw up its hands in desperation and then drive off without us. It moves on and takes us with it no matter what we say or think -- decisions get made for us all the time.

I was reading some of the stories in "The Pioneer Woman Cooks, Recipes from an accidental country girl" a cookbook written by unlikely city gal who meets rural cowboy, gets married and then writes cookbooks because "Cowboys don't each sushi." A perfect life, I'd say, unfolding despite her other plans! And she wouldn't have it any other way.

What can we take from this?

It is difficult to imagine human life taking place "naturally" without the momentum of our personal effort and planning. Our very concept of how life operates for humans as opposed to other creatures seems, in itself, to remove us from the natural rhythm of life.

How might it be helpful to us to conceive that humans too might be part of a flow that moves, contains and ultimately holds us?

It seems to me that the natural world is showing us something true about ourselves if we would listen a bit more closely.

So what would it be like to live in that flow?

If I'm So Spiritual, Why Am I Having a Bad Day?

10/14/2011

"Before enlightenment I was depressed, after enlightenment I continue to be depressed" -- Anthony de Mello

One of my clients once asked me, "If I'm so spiritually evolved, why am I having a bad day?"

Don't we all have this question in various forms?

"I'm a coach, why am I having difficulty with this issue?"
"I'm a therapist, why are my own relationships in trouble?"
"I've been doing self-development for years, why am I still getting angry?"

Or perhaps you've had the question tossed at you...

"If you teach this to people, why don't you go practice it yourself!"

We tend to see these questions as pointing toward some issue within us; something we need to clean up or some way in which we are inauthentic or out of integrity.

Not so.

... unless the purpose of self-development (or spiritual growth) is to never have a bad day again.

It's not that I think becoming issue-free is unrealistic or impossible. Perhaps it is. But what interests me more is this: Do we study, have our spiritual practices, or hire someone to help us 'get better' in order to never ever feel bad again?

If we make our self-improvement all about becoming a perfect human being with a perfect life, we are in for trouble. There is no greater suffering than striving to be a flawless human. It is an endless moving runway with a carrot dangling -- always -- just out of reach. You make improvements in one area and soon you are noticing all the ways that you are lacking in another and then you are right back on the treadmill.

It's very easy when we read spiritual masters, reflect, meditate, study or hire someone to work with us, to fall into the trap of believing that a sign of enlightenment (or progress) is that we will stop having strong negative emotions. Just look at how shocked we are when a one of our icons admits to feeling depression, gets mad at a being stuck in traffic, gets a divorce or declares bankruptcy!

No matter how much 'work' you do on yourself, you cannot get rid of your emotions -- because you cannot get rid of the fact that you are a thinking being. The two go together, hand in glove. We always feel whatever we think.

Thoughts themselves are a kaleidoscope of infinite colors and shapes, many of which are not all that pretty. We define the bad, uncomfortable, unworthy and wrong ones and then set about trying to extract them as if they were cavities. How would you do that, really? And more importantly, why would you want to? You are by definition as 'sentient being'.

'Bad thinking' isn't something to rip out and replace with positivity. Maybe life would be better if we could do this; but have you ever actually succeeded? Are you sure that's purpose of personal growth?

For me it proved stressful, and ultimately unsuccessful!

A turning point for me was when I noticed that I actually do not take EVERY thought seriously. I've had thoughts of punching someone, and not followed through. I realized I am actually already naturally and effortlessly ignoring all kinds of thoughts. You probably do too, within the last hour perhaps.

You know how they say "the thought crossed my mind"? It's true. Thoughts do cross your mind. AND if you notice, you might also find that, you too have plenty of experience in not taking them seriously. Thoughts themselves cannot compel action from us. Thoughts are not us. So the types of thoughts you have do not define the kind of person you are.

Seeing this, we can relax. We can understand that thinking is not problematic. It just happens. It's not who we are, but it happens in us.

I have given up on trying to change and get rid of certain thoughts. My life is the better for it.

Last week I was teaching at our CSC Retreat by the Sea and for the 9 hours driving up and back to Santa Cruz from San Diego, I was listening to Anthony de Mello's Wake Up To Life lectures (which I highly recommend!). He asserts,

"Do you know it's possible to be anxious, yet not troubled? Do you realize that you can be happy in your anxiety and in your depression? The only reason you don't is because you don't understand what happiness is. You think happiness is 'thrills'. It's not..."

Most of us are trying to be happy without knowing and without inquiring into what happiness is. When we define it as 'never having a bad day' or 'never being upset' no wonder we are never happy!

I am wondering if perhaps the purpose of life is not to get happiness or even to be happy, but to understand what happiness really is.

Only then, does happiness have a chance to unfold within us and be recognized.

Do you want it enough? Projects, Dreams and Toilets

1/22/2010

There is something about saying "Go For Your Dream" that just bugs. I think it's my project experience clashing with my woo-woo side. Or maybe it's just there's so much about 'just going for it' that just doesn't work. My dilemma? Dreams are really important things, important enough to do and not just talk about. At the same time, a dream without any action is just a nice fantasy escape - a vacation in your mind.

To take them from thought to animated life form you have to start the engine, act, move and sometimes that involves failing. Ah. That's risky. So dreams are delicate balances of visioning and doing. Too much doing and it's exhausting and frustrating, too much dreaming and it disappointing and saddening, which is why I imagine most dreams end up untested, much less unfulfilled.

What makes dreams both important and amazing is not just 'getting them' but being involved in their gestation, having fun, watching something get born. And who you become in the process of their birth. Now that is beautiful. Something comes to life that never existed before except in your mind. That is truly awesome.

OK, so maybe it's not so 'awesome' to you if it's an IP network installation. But it would be if it were something that mattered to you. It would be if it were something you could see for yourself in your mind and you liked the look of (and that IP network matters to someone too...)

I've been involved in the "30-days to Create the Impossible" program with Michael Neill in the month of January, coaching those in the program, and I'm so in the center of this topic, I can't tell you how moving it is to watch dreams be born (more about the program on http://geniuscatalyst.com, though, it's closed now). We are just finishing the second program and again, it's incredible the beauty, the relief, the joy of finally experiencing what's actually possible to create. To witness dreams grow their wings in front of your eyes.

Of course that's nothing compared to what the person feels as it's happening. They get reborn too.

What I keep thinking about as this particular program comes to a close, is that for some, 30 days won't be quite enough to complete a big project.

What to do when you have "that thing you can see in you mind" but it's a big goal and requires a bit of sticking power?

In longer term projects, how do you keep up the commitment?

I was in Project Management for 10 years, so I have some notions about this. What surprised me, when I left the corporate world, was to discover that just because it's a pet project and life dream, doesn't mean people achieve it! They drop their dreams into the toilet all the time. This sounds crazy, but it's not impossible to imagine when you think what little we really know about making our dreams come true.

Our preferred methods are:

lottery
rich partner
inheritance
luck

Any or all of the above.

Apart from these, the only other recipe out there seems to be EFFORT. But it's rubbish to think you can "g-up" every day and expect to keep doing that over months and months. There are days when you're in a crappy mood. Then it feels like the wind has gone flat. If you've ever given up on something you wanted, you'll know what I mean. And you will perhaps have been looking for the answer too.

But the only way I know to take a pipe dream and create a living thing is inspired action. To enjoy the genesis.

How do you get that? You blend a bit of dream making and a bit of project management, but you are careful with the doses.

Like I said, too much dream and it's star gazing... too much action and it's burn-out city.

So you do both and mix it up.

That is why Michael's 30-days to Create The Impossible is so brilliant and works so well. (Keep an eye out for when he runs it next time and get on board). Until then, I'd use his book, "You Can Have What You Want" as a great guide to sustained release success.

In my next post I'll continue with this and talk about ways to keep going in big projects. If you have a big project and you want to chat about it, feel free to contact me.

Meanwhile, if you want to start up something and join me for a year in my ProjectDream group, I do have some spaces. Here's more info.

The Qualities That Will Save Your Life

1/15/2010

When I got Lynne Klippel's book, Overcomers Inc., in the post, I have to say my initial reaction was I liked the book, hated the word. Overcomers. I don't want to be an overcomer. I want to sail effortlessly through life and have everything be easy. Overcoming is such a dull, pedestrian task. Maybe, "Go Climb That Mountain!" just make you tingle with inspiration, but it makes me want to climb back into bed.

I read the book and the true life stories in it, and although I still don't like to think of myself as an overcomer, I have to admit that I am. We all are. If you got through asking someone on a first date, or wearing really high heels for the first time, you are one too.

And that's not a dull thing at all.

In fact, there are some pretty hefty qualities that we need to be able to call on when the going gets tough. Here's what I think those are:

Taking responsibility
Surrendering
Trust
Willingness

In every real life experience in that book, as well as in my own life and the lives of people I coach, these are the core of creating a new life - whether you are creating on the rubble of an old life, or you are just ready to move to the next square on the board.

Taking Responsibility
OK, swallow hard now, this is the painful part. Yes. We all have to take on the fact that we live in our bodies, and that what we chose is what makes our life a heaven or a hell-hole. Until we do, even if it's just saying, "I'm really the only one who can get me out of this mess", no change can begin. As Debbie Ford used to say in our training, over and over again, "No one is coming to save you." Ouch.

Surrender
This is a bit sucky too. When you are very used to being the project manager of the universe, or at the very least queen in your own teacup, surrendering to the idea that you just don't know how to fix it is, well, let's just say, not fun. Surrendering doesn't mean giving up, it just means giving way. You have to get your own ideas out of the way in order for new ones to come in. In my life, this often mean surrendering some idea of who I am, in order to get a glimpse of a bigger me.

Trust
We place our trust in many things, including the universe, our pets, our friends, and our lovers. Maybe you trust that things will 'all work out for good' or some other spiritual principle. Whatever you chose to trust is up to you, the one thing I know you can trust, always? Your own inner guidance. When that channel is clear it is never leading you astray. It might take you in a direction you don't like, but that's another matter!

Willingness
Oh, you have to be willing to change, to move, to be different, to let go of what you thought would be. Willingness is the oil that greases all the wheels. Willingness to try the new, to step when you can't see forward very far, and willingness to fail - help you take it all less personally. And that's a good thing.

For more on this topic listen to the radio show from January 15th with Lynne Klippel

The Old, The New, and The Unknown

1/4/2010

This year I did something I’ve never done before. I spent New Year on my own. Alone. No parties, no champagne, no midnight kiss. Crazy, I know. And amazing.

I looked at the year ahead and I thought: "Do I want a year that looks like a hard walk uphill, or a nice path to somewhere I actually want to go? What could I do to make my goals fun and my path nicer to walk whether I got to the 'goals' or not?

I had this idea to take 4 days in personal retreat, on my own, in Baja, to just think it through. And on Wednesday, off I drove...

What would I do when I got there? There were a few things I knew I wanted to do. One was, I had the idea I could just make the year a bit easier and more 'successful' for me with some conscious planning. ('Conscious' not 'strenuous'). I wanted to really close out the last year and somehow milk the lessons from it, in a real way. I wanted to launch the New Year with a feeling of a clean slate, with some direction and focus. I wanted to spend some time giving thanks and acknowledging those who’ve helped me. And then there were the things I just wanted to leave behind in 2009 and simply say goodbye and good riddance to.

But the real reason I went on my self-imposed personal retreat is that I just had this very strong feeling. Something inside that I couldn’t ignore just said ‘do this’. Now, that to me is amazing: not the experience of knowing something, but the fact I actually listened to it. I talk a lot about listening to inner guidance, but if I’m honest I can look back on my life and see many, many times I have not.

In fact, there have been so many moments when I knew not to say yes to that second date with someone, when I realized that what was about to come out of my mouth was going to get me in big trouble, or when I withheld support from someone or judged a passerby and knew I could be less cruel. I realize, much to my horror that I know what is right for me and what is not – but that I also have an ‘override’ button. In fact, I am much more practiced at overriding my gut direction than I am at following it.

So I am particularly grateful to be able to say that 2009 was a year of paying attention to my inner compass, and learning to follow the pointy arrow.

As for my retreat, that was also a success. I reviewed the old and said farewell. I welcomed the new and created space for it. I came to my desk this morning with an invigorated sense of possibility and some new commitments. I don’t have the year mapped out, and there are no ‘shoulds’ or ‘to do’ lists. But I have created a map for 2010 that will be fun to explore.

It won’t be news to anyone to know that if I intend to explore new territory, I’ll need not just my new map, but also a few new tools. For me, that means some new habits (creating more, writing more) and some renewed commitments (making the radio show more meaningful and more helpful in serving people). It involves planned giving for the first time. This is probably where the whole exercise of going on a retreat has been most useful, because I was able to spend 4 days not only thinking “What would I like to create next year?” but also to look at “…and how would that look; what would I need to change if I were to do that?” It was an exercise in imagination that I would not have engaged in quite the same way if I’d stayed home.

Four days alone over New Year proved to be one of the best things I’ve ever done and there were a couple additional keys to this being so fruitful for me. Here’s what I took with me:

Jacob Glass’s “2010 Miraculous booklet”. A complete spiritual review of your year and setting a plan for the next. Available to download for free on his site www.jacobglass.com
Jinny Ditzler’s Best Year Yet - build your12-month personal plan online at www.bestyearyet.com. A fantastic review tool!
Barbara Sher's book, I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What It Was. In case I ran out of ideas on what to do. This proved invaluable! www.barbarasher.com
A Course in Miracles (on Kindle for iPhone) To continue the daily practice of the workbook.
Debbie Ford’s powerful questions from her newsletter 2010: Destination of Your Dreams from The Light & The Dark weekly newsletter (You will find more in her book Best Year of Your Life). Here's the link those questions, also published in her article in the Huffington Post
Three years of notes from my coaching and apprenticeship with Michael Neill. What can I say? Simply, OMG. www.geniuscatalyst.com
One stuffed-to-the-gills notebook with all my life learning and notes from my training in What One Person Can Do (see my coaching site www.newmindsetcoaching.com for more on One Person)
All the notes from my radio shows

And on top of this, I packed a ‘self-coaching’ attitude (which for me meant asking myself key questions, observing my responses and creative journaling), a box of colored pens and a huge Post It sticky pad. Then I mixed and stirred into the recipe, one bottle of wine, PG Tips Tea, fresh pesto, organic salad, lots of fish tacos from the local dive, the Matrix Trilogy, my ipod and four absolutely stunning sunsets.

Not invited were: email inbox, Facebook, Twitter. My iPhone was for Kindle only (Is now a good time to apologize for being AWOL all last week?)

End result: Wow.

One of my sunsets

Free Audios - Courtesy of Club Fearless

11/1/2009

Club Fearless is a great place to find resources that will help you pack your bags and move out of that down in the dumps-victim mentality once and for all!

Here are some free audios from Steve Chandler, founder of the Club.

To learn more about Club Fearless go to www.clubfearless.net. You can use my friend's discount (type in 'Elese' as the code) and try out the club for free for 30 days. And by the way, I don't get paid for this, I just think it's really, really good.