I believe humans are, in our nature, good.

I begin here because I am about to talk about helping others and anytime we talk about how we relate to others - whether in deep service or being a good friend - it seems important to begin with a good look at our assumptions about people. 

A.S. Neill, author of "Summerhill" (see below) stated essential human-ness so clearly when he said that when children are left to their own devices they are "innately wise and realistic." He proved this at his Summerhill school by leaving children free of restrictions, including being obliged to go to school. What followed Summerhill opening of the educational cage door challenged and continues to challenge our views of troubled children. It showed that that without rules to control behavior, children gravitated naturally toward behaviors that were good and social.   

Roger Mills, the founder of the Center For Sustainable Change told me something similar when he said, "well-being is buoyant" in each and every person no matter what situation or their history. His project in Modello proved this was true and did so in challenging socioeconomic circumstances ... the kind most of us will never come close to facing.

I wanted to lead with this as a clear, fundamental assumption of our human nature because in relationships with one another, where you stand on this changes everything:

• how you listen
• what you hear
• what you say
• what you don't say
• what you do next 

It changes the very definition of what you think is happening in the moment.  If you think you are having an issue, it changes the nature of how to see and define that issue and as a result, the solution.  It has a profound affect on how you help others and what you think you are helping. It changes the nature of the moment itself. 

In fact I will go to far as to assert that what you assume to be true about the nature of people even affects another person's ability to think clearly in your presence!

As we watch the people we care about live in the troubled waters of their daily lives, the impulse to help, to advise, to try to alleviate another's suffering is a constant invitation.  Everyone, including me, falls into the temptation to try to help another out. We like to lift their moods, solve their issues and take away their discomfort.  We have many overt and covert ways of doing this. 

But our impulse to help can be an very unhelpful thing. 

I remember one day when I had been particularly involved in trying to help by listening and offering my "cheer up" approach. I was startled to realize that everything I was saying was totally selfish. It was all for me. I wanted this person to be happy, not for themselves, but for my sake.  I wanted them to feel good so I could look at them and not feel bad.  Ultimately, I had to admit to myself, I had my best interests at heart, not theirs.  

If I had begun this same interaction by remembering that all people have essential qualities that include a tendency toward buoyancy of well-being and inner ability to solve one's own problems, I would have approached it differently:

I would have dropped all my devices and just loved them.

I would have looked beyond what I was seeing toward their true nature. 

If you are a coach, friend or parent, loving people isn't difficult, it's just that it strips you of anything to do.  Maybe we have a hard time with this. Loving in the sense I'm talking about, that is recognizing the person within, is not a "doing."  

When we are doing love, we are probably not being love.    

And what is the inner nature of us all if it is not Love itself? 

There is nothing for Love to do, except perhaps look for itself in the other.   Love is the recognition of wholeness in the other and the understanding of their capacity to see for themselves, in their own time and in their own way. 

Ultimately, love allows the other all of their joys and sorrows and does not pretend to know what is best, what is good or what is needed.  It never tries to take over for the wisdom of another. It can be there no matter what is happening. And it feels good. 

A Course in Miracles asserts that everything we do is either "love or a call for love."  This is a fairly high vocation for anyone and probably the single most important thing you can understand if you are a parent, lover or friend.  

It is the great peace-maker, not just in our relationships but in our internal environment. 

For those of you reading this who are coaches, it will remove your role as "helper" and turn you into someone whose presence is a true help to others. 

Turn the mind inward and cease thinking of yourself as the body; thereby you will come to know that the self is ever happy. Neither grief nor misery is experienced in this state
 --Sri Ramana Maharshi

I hope you had a chance to catch the radio show, The Human Spirit Rises with testimonies of hope, transformation and recovery from addiction and difficult circumstances.

Circumstances seem to have us so very trapped don't they?  They come in the form our own habits and compulsions as well as in the ways other people seem to be able to step on our lives, interrupt our peace of mind and just generally create havoc in our world. 

Even though we can see that no thing can truly make us happy, it is much harder to see clearly that no thing, person or circumstance has the power to ruin us.  For me to have any sense that this is true in my life, I am often questioning the power of things.

How does a diagnosis have the power to make us fearful?
How is stress created in us?
How does someone disappearing from your life create sadness in you?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying these feelings don't or shouldn't happen.  But I do spend time reflecting on how sadness, stress and fear arise within me.  What is the mechanism?  How does it work?

It may seem like thinking about such questions is pointless.  That pain is just pain and sadness just is. And that's it.  All I suggest is that for any of you reading who do work with others, this is a rich field for inquiry.  Those of us who coach and work powerfully with people who are suffering and in pain, must reflect deeply on the true sources of pain and the means by which humans experience their troubles. If we do not, we can't help people as much or as well.

The closer we look at human feelings and all human experience, the more we notice a simple truth: that all people simply feel whatever they are thinking in the moment.  Even the past and the future are experienced as thoughts in the moment. They cannot be experienced in either the past or the future, for obvious reasons.

So all life is made of thought. All thought comes to life within us.  The truth about everyone who has a human body is that the nature and depth of pain and suffering arises in the present moment through our present moment thinking. And through nothing else.

I consider the work I do to be the work of liberating people not only from the depressing cycle of having things on the outside make us miserable, but also to free souls to be happy regardless of all the things we try to acquire, resolve or make disappear so that we can experience being satisfied and fulfilled. It seems to me that I am teaching people how to live an uncontingent life.  (To the extent that I go first!)

I just cannot think of anything more important.

The ego is the sum total of all your smallest ideas about yourself - Robert Holden

As challenges come along in life I notice we are often rush out to meet them in our weakest and most frightened states.  Perhaps we've gotten so used to being harried, tired and behind the eight ball that we don't even notice we've rallied up our most inadequate capacities and gone straight out to try to resolve our most important issues.

I have been thinking about the resiliency of the Human Spirit and as I reflected on the nature of all of our "spirit" a rather dis-spiriting idea occurred to me.  How many times have I had an important decision, a delicate conversation or a really tough life challenge, and allowed myself to try to resolve it using my poorest mindset?  The answer was, unfortunately, many times! 

Examples of what I mean:

• agreeing to have "the talk" about your relationship when you are tired or have been drinking
• standing up to confront a co-worker about a bad habit while thinking "that was the last straw!"
• correcting or disciplining children in the heat of anger 
• talking to the boss after you've already missed the deadline and haven't slept well

What I'd emphasize in each of these examples is not the situations or the physical states, but rather the mental states.

It is common to all of us to lose our way, lose our temper and address issues when we know that our our mental capacities are on low ebb.  Everyone can get stretched and find themselves with less of their normal abilities in any given moment.

Of course it would be great to say that we could recognize this is the case in advance and then be sensible enough not to "go for it."  But the very real problem with this is that it is precisely in your poorest mental state that you are least likely to listen to your very good sense.

So is there any good end to this cycle?

As it turns out, there is ...

A great way to stay stuck exactly where you are is to keep thinking the same thing
over and over and over.

Processing events via repetitive loops in your head increases tension and stuckness.

How do you get relief?

If you've ever made a mistake in life I'm sure you realized that there comes a point where you just have to face up to it.  No matter how bad it gets, you'll never be able to wake up one day and ask yourself for a divorce. No matter what you do or fail to do, you'll still always be looking at yourself in the mirror.

For some of us, that's a bit of a problem.  I'm sure it's been the reason behind many personal change programs and innumerable self-help books.   

But if you are going to live with you for the rest of your life, for better or for worse, isn't it time to make peace and get on with it?  I'd certainly prefer to. Especially since the alternative is to be stuck on an endless track of regret or anger with no exit ramp. 

So how do we live with our mistakes without letting them consume us with regret and rumination?

How do we let go of our thought ruts?

I've seen and practiced many methods for releasing the past, most all of them very helpful. Then recently something more profound occurred to me as I thought, "What am I actually trying to let go of?"

If you have ever wanted very much to forgive someone for something they did to you, or if you've done something you desperately regret, this is a very important question.

What gets "let go of?"  

What gets "forgiven?"

If you are willing to take a closer look, you may make an amazing discovery.  The only thing that remains once an event is over, is the thinking about it.  There is no more event. There are memories of course. But these are, as Sydney Banks said so well, "thoughts carried through time." And they are nothing more than that. 

This is not to say that events have not happened.  This planet most certainly has a history of wars, arguments, strife and ill-deeds. But in the aftermath of the deed, only one thing remains: the human being with their life stretched out ahead of them. What then?  To continue to be hurt by an event, you must pack it up in your mental suitcase and take it with you. If you didn't the past would be completely gone. Nowhere to be found.

Now that is going to sound extremely difficult if you are trying to move on from something that was big or traumatic. But if you'd like to at least consider the possibility that these bigger events are no different from smaller ones and that the way we move on from our Goliath battles is exactly the same way we let go of our mosquito bites, you may see something new. 

For example, I know that I absolutely cannot recall all the exams I did badly on in school. I know I didn't get straight A's. But I don't have a vivid recollection of each exam and each result. I know I had a great deal of stress and effort and in some cases trauma around exams. I remember vaguely I used to have nightmares during my university days. But after those exams where done I left them in the past. They didn't matter. I didn't take them forward as things to be sorry, sad or angry about. Interestingly, I don't remember trying to let go of them either. In fact, I don't recall doing anything in particular except just getting on with my life.  

I don't think there is anything intrinsic in any event that would force you to take it forward with you in time.  In fact, we are letting go all the time. Because we just don't think about it or if we do, we don't really take the thoughts that seriously. We shrug, "oh well," and order lunch.  We see that we are only having a passing thought. 

Here's another example to consider. When we first are getting to know a romantic partner, they look great to us. Once a few things have happened between us, they seem changed; they've become the clump of grievances we hold against them. How is it that someone we love becomes someone we despise? Let's face it, if you have ever been in a serious relationship, did you or did you not spend time rehearsing what you would say, how you would respond to something, or what someone did or said to you?  Maybe you were driving, or sitting at your desk, or talking to a friend.   

In these moments you were bringing the past into the future through your thinking. They become what you think about.  

Anyone in a successful relationship, whether a romantic partner or a parent, knows that you must let go of the rehearsing the past in your head before you can see the person for who they truly are. We also call this forgiveness.

The past has no power to assert itself into the present. Not all on its own.  It needs your help. It needs your power of thought to do that.

On the radio March 2nd, I cover one of the chief mechanisms by which we keep ourselves from letting go of what's happened and moving forward in life: obsessive thinking.  Mental rumination keeps the past alive in the present and, as I talk about in my book, 101 New Pairs of Glasses "robs you of your now."   

Joining me is Gabriela Maldonado who I work with at the Center for Sustainable Change.