Category: Goals

Genuine Desire? Or Faux Fear?

3/28/2011

Pair #85 What I'll do to feel good, and what feels good to do

The first quarter of this year has now passed. I sit down and reflect. I'll think about what I'm grateful for, I'll take time out from 'busy' to visit and spend time with what is meaningful to me. (more about that here)

One of the mistakes I've made many times, is not taking the time to just have a fireside chat with the me I'd like to have show up in my life. Lately, I have some questions...

What would the me who's not afraid like to do?

What would the me who knows she is safe like to try out?

What would the me who is pure enjoyment like to express?

So often, I've looked at my life from the point of view of what I assumed was possible, probable or within reason. Or simply what would make me feel better.

Instead of looking for what wanted to come up from inside me and get out.

And I know exactly what, the more I look. Or at least I know one thing.

I know how to tell the difference between what is my authentic desire and what I tend to do to try to alleviate my worries and concerns.

Genuine desire feels different. It feels good. And it feels good whether I think I can have what I desire and whether I consider that 'possible' or not.

And that's way different from doing something in order to feel better.

One month ago I made a commitment to write a book. I made a commitment that I've kept relatively quiet as I nurtured this very personal desire to do something that has more to do with expressing what's inside me then trying to 'be a writer' or write a book in order to not be disappointed with myself.

This is a totally different process.

I decided to write the most self honest account of a life ever written and to share my stories and my learnings so openly that anyone could draw their own insight and healing from them.

And here is the thing about a genuine desire. It came paired up with total commitment.

If you've ever tried to commit to something and failed (and I committed to this book many, many failed times!) then you know how gruff that experience is.

And I'm here to tell you it probably wasn't an authentic desire.

The measure? How you feel about it.

If you sit back to reflect on your progress at some point, and on what you feel committed to, see if you are able to discern the difference between

What I do because it feels good to me.

What I do to me to try to feel good.

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Lots Can Happen

2/3/2011

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Pair 78 # Here's to not knowing

One of the things I've learned about myself and also about my business over the years is: "Lots can happen."

Lots can happen. Make that a motto.

I don't have to look far in my life to see the truth in this.

Sometimes things shift in the very moment I'm thinking "this will never happen."
And the only times I've really regretted are the times I wasted worrying something
would never happen that I didn't have control of over anyway. Then there all the things I missed because I was looking the other way.

what if we...

Don't assume today is a predictor of anything at all
Don't assume today's No or today's numbers mean anything about tomorrow
Assume we don't know
Assume what we see cannot possibly be ALL there is

In order to live in a world where we don't assume, it doesn't mean
taking in zero information. But it does mean evaluating information
differently.

Like refusing to make everything mean something about me!

I want to strip away all the meaning that we make about how things WILL turn out, all our predictive and unfounded scenarios (all attitudes that shut down our creativity) and focus on what I do not know.

Out of what I do not know, comes all possibility

Please pull out your project plans now and look them over and ask yourself: where have I Ieft room for what I do not yet know?

Where have I shut myself down because I am assuming I know everything and what everything means?

Where have I made mistakes because I am assuming that the limits of my thinking are equal to the limits of the my possibilities?

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The Difference Between Do and Don't

1/27/2011

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Pair #77 Save your procrastination for the important stuff

I have wanted to write a book for a long time. About 40 years actually. Now that I'm finally in the process of writing it, I'm fascinated by what has changed in me that flipped my switch from "later" to "right now".

What happens in any of us that makes the difference between doing something and not doing it?

I'm not talking about getting in the groceries or finally changing the battery in the smoke alarm, I am talking about why we procrastinate on anything that is really important to the heart and soul.

After all, that's what we save our best procrastination for, Right? For me, that was writing a book.

What flipped my switch from 'talker' to 'doer'?

Why is it that now I have a accountability group?
Why is it that now I have goals I'm setting and exceeding?
Why is it that I'm not struggling to keep promises?

Here is what I notice that is different.

One, I really do like (enjoy, want, genuinely desire) both the end product the process of doing it. Just because I do.

Two, I enjoy being engaged in something in my life that is meaningful to me. I've worked out that the other way is not all that great.

Three, I know that I am able to feel good whether or not I ever write the book. No matter what.

Of all these things, here is what I notice. One and Two are not new. Number 3 is.

I never knew how to feel good about my life without a condition of some sort. I'd agreed with myself I'd feel good when I was successful. I'd feel good if in a great relationship... etc. As for writing, I spent years making myself unhappy because I wasn't doing it. I thought I'd be happy when I did.

I can't pinpoint the day or hour of the flip, but in the last few years I've learned that my own wellbeing isn't dependent on some thing happening (or not happening). I've learned how to stop measuring my inner state of being by the things or people outside of me. I know, how self-evident is that!

So if you have ever said to yourself or someone else "well, you can't buy happiness" or "happiness isn't 'out there'" - let's get wise to ourselves. We said the words without ever having had the experience. Period.

That experience is new, it's totally unfamiliar, and life changes almost immediately when you feel it because it is a living force. That force says to me "So, Elese, we're cool, what would we like to do next?"

It's as if I unhitched the old 'happiness-when trailer' that was towing all my self-love and self-approval and success strategies and just left it on the side of the road.

There is no 'happiness when' attached to my writing anymore. There is just writing.

Don't let anyone tell you that when you start feeling good inside you will just want to sit around in some meditative state chanting till you die. Don't let them tell you that if you can't feel the stress, you won't find the motivation. Don't let them tell you you'll just feel happy and then life will somehow get boring because you feel so good. It doesn't work like that.

What really happens is without all the noise about what you need to do to be happy, you actually begin to feel good a lot of the time and from there you see for the first time what's really important to you. Up until then, it's just guessing, hoping and stabbing in the dark.

Learning to feel good for no apparent reason is essentially the best thing you can do for yourself. For me it meant finally getting off my duff, and writing without caring how it turns out.

And if I hadn't decided to write, I guess the downside is I'd simply feel good regardless.

Radio show with Steven Pressfield, author of The War of Art, on the psychology of creation and Overcoming Blocks January 28

(free workshops in January if you are interested in what I learned and how to do it yourself
or
enroll in my program Foundations of Wellbeing

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No More Goals!

1/9/2011

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Pair #76 What do goals and ice cream have in common?

People tell me the hard part about goals is not setting them, but the pain of not getting them. I think the really hard part is not confusing the goal with our happiness.

Most of us define a goal as something we will get or become.

But why decide you want something you don't have and then pin your happiness on getting it? It's like deciding you want ice cream and forcing yourself to be miserable while you drive to the store to get it.One of the worst things we can do is decide that getting a goal will mean finally being happy, successful or worthy. It doesn't. You are already worthy, no matter what you do and whether or not you ever get your goals.

A goal is just a clear picture of what 'there' looks like. It's neutral. Personally, I like goals because I like to see and envision where I'm headed. For me right now, that looks like a book rather than a tub of Ben and Jerrys.

I know that I will be able to recognize 'there' because I'll have a book in my hand.

Putting together a book (as in pursuing any goal) is a bit like a very large puzzle - the stepping-stone goals are like the pieces of the puzzle - the more of them click into place, the more I can see what the final puzzle looks like. In fact the more pieces I click into place, the more the final puzzle solution (the book) become inevitable. A no-brainer.

At no point do I want to get frustrated that my puzzle isn't finished yet and toss over the table. I want to enjoy the process of putting together my puzzle. Piece by lovely piece, I want to relish seeing the images and forms come together, as if by magic, out of a pile of mess.

I want to be happy doing my puzzle and happy not doing it.

Because I don't ever want to confuse puzzles (or ice cream) with who I am.

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The Big Why

12/31/2010

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Pair #75 What's it all for anyway?

Why do we want anything to be different next year? Why do I set the goals I do? Or do the things I do in life or in my work?

As I take time off this week to look ahead (and behind) I'm asking myself what I want and what I'd like to create next year and in particular: why?

What good is striving to be our absolute best, if excelling gets in the way of your time with your child?

What good is money if you've lost everything that really matters on the road to getting it?

Am I doing what is important to me now, or am I telling myself to settle for less so I can do what's important someday?

Is what I'm doing part of making myself into the person I want to wake up with everyday?

Do I truly 'need' all the things I am so afraid might drop out of my life?

And if I am going to go for anything at all, I want to know what it is but what I'm really asking myself

for the sake of what?

It's likely you know or know or someone who has sacrificed years, skipped holidays, chastised themselves for not being enough, worked all hours to make a big nest egg, and then were too ill or tired to do any of the things that they put off to The Great Someday.

To avoid that, the best question I can think of is 'Why for?'

I am adding this as a sanity check to all my New Year Resolutions.

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The Going For Nothing Goal

4/22/2010

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Pair #16, Go On, Go For Nothing!

Many spiritual paths make getting enlightened a goal. The trouble with this idea is that, barring having a burning bush experience, it sounds like a very long and arduous path to getting somewhere you are not entirely convinced exists. (OK, SOME of us are not entirely convinced). This week on the radio show with Peter Fenner we talked about the idea that you can be totally fulfilled without changing anything at all. That sounds so far off reality for most of us that it’s easy to just pass it over completely. But the more I thought about it, the deeper the implications.

It made me consider the last few years of my life when most of my effort has gone into personal change and I could really identify with the thoughts I often had that went something like…

-   I need to create a ‘better me’

-   When I understand more, life will become easier

-   If I get better at this stuff, I won’t have any more problems

Sound familiar?

Those of us who are either ‘pursuing’ personal change or teaching it, what would happen if we actually called off the search?

One of the implications of ‘loving what is’ – which Peter talks about and which those of you who read and follow Byron Katie’s work is that the only time we suffer is when we are arguing with reality. That the result of loving things as they are with no need to change them is, in fact, peace. “When you argue with reality, you lose,” as Katie would say, “but only 100% of the time.”

The idea that there is nothing to become underlies the effortlessness and accessibility of the Buddhist nondual teachings of Radiant Mind.

Here are some of the main thing you can learn from Peter on the show and in his book “Radiant Mind”

-   the anti-frantic environment

-   how to stop making a problem out of having problems

-   why we get stuck when we think there is more to know than we know right now

-   why we don't have to make anything better

It is also my experience that painful thoughts and feelings dissolve when we are not struggling to establish what needs to change in order for us to feel better.

We pre-recorded the Friday the 23rd show, as I'm in New York, but I have to tell you, I had such a wonderful experience of sharing this 'state of awareness' on the show with Peter that I think just listening to it, there is a very good chance you will feel it too. And get a taste of what it is like when there no goal to get anywhere.

© 2010 Elese Coit
If you wish to reprint, feel free, please link back here and if it's of use, include:
"Elese Coit is a leader in transformative personal change and Hosts the Radio Show A New Way To Handle Absolutely Everything. To see the world differently, reach for one of her '101 New Pairs of Glasses' each day on http://elesecoit.com"

Thank you.

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Genuine Desire? Or Faux Fear?

Lots Can Happen

The Difference Between Do and Don't

No More Goals!

The Big Why

The Going For Nothing Goal

101 New Pairs of Glasses

The Original Blog

Types of Glasses

The Drawers